Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
