I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
