Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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