Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
