Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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