I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
