I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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