Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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