I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
