Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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