I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
