I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
