As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize