when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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