i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
