god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
