Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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