It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
