If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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