420 ftw
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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