one two three fourrrrnication!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
