Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
