i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
