I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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