just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
