Screwed.edu
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
