ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
