Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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