just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
