Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
