I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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