Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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