Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
