How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
