I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
