you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
