I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
