so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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