I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
