I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
