I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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