My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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