It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
