i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
