Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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