either way he was missing a nipple.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize