when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
