dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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