Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
