last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
