dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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