please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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