nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize