remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
