I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
