i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so let's talk penis.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
