dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
