Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
