I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
